INSIDE TRUMP’S CHRISTMAS STOCKING — TWO VIEWPOINTS: Click here for the companion piece, “What’s in President Trump’s Stocking?,” by Aaron Scherb.
According to folklore, the origin of the Christmas stocking tradition goes something like this: Once upon a time, there was a poor widower with three daughters. The widower was afraid his daughters would never marry because he could not provide dowries for his beloved girls. Upon hearing of this sad tale, St. Nicholas dropped gold coins down the poor man’s chimney on Christmas Eve. Lo and behold, those gold coins landed in the three stockings that happened to be hanging by the fireplace, ensuring that the widower’s daughters would marry and live happily ever after.
Although anyone would be ecstatic to wake up and find their Christmas stocking filled with gold, that’s more unlikely than Santa Claus declining milk and cookies. However, we can still hope to find our stockings filled with our dream gifts.
Assuming the Secret Service lets Santa down the chimney, what gifts might the man in the red suit place in President Trump’s stocking? Well, since the president has done a mighty good job this year, from record-low unemployment to skyrocketing GDP, he surely must be on Jolly Old St. Nicholas’s “Nice List.” And since Santa Claus knows what everyone wants and needs, come Christmas morning, as the commander-in-chief opens his stocking, what might he find inside?
For starters, a signed and sealed free trade agreement with China would bring a childlike grin to the president’s face on Christmas morning. Since the president loves making deals, a breakthrough in the China trade war that prioritizes Americans’ interests would be the gift that keeps on giving.
Besides this much-needed trade agreement, the president would almost certainly find an energized and exhilarated chief of staff lurking somewhere by the chimney, and whoever he or she is, it’s certain Santa would deliver a new top aide who will be more than capable of filling the large shoes left by Trump’s departing chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly.
As everyone knows, every once in a while, good boys and girls are surprised by an extra-special, purely unexpected gift in their timeworn stocking. Of course, we’ve all faced the disappointment of opening presents, only to find that the one gift you really wanted was not left under the Christmas tree. But sometimes, just sometimes, you get that perfect gift. What incredible treasure can the president hope for this year? Just imagine the president digging into the toe of his stocking, checking every last nook and cranny with that self-described “big hand” of his. What could he possibly discover?
Suddenly, he grasps it — a small rectangular object. As he jiggles the item loose, he slowly raises it from the bottom of his stocking, feeing it from its stocking sequester. What is it? A brand-new smartphone, preloaded with the president’s favorite app: Twitter! And guess what, this snazzy new phone is bigger than ever — and made in the United States, of course — making it all that much easier for the president to tweet away to his heart’s content.
This holiday season, the president won’t be the only American with a stocking stuffed with goodies. Thanks to the Trump administration’s free-market policies, such as tax cuts and deregulation, business is booming across the United States. Even better, families have more money to spend this holiday than ever before.
Although Santa might not be able to fill everyone’s stocking with gold, at the very least the American people should appreciate that the administration’s policies have filled Americans’ pockets with gold.
At the North Pole, Santa’s elves have worked hard all year to make gifts for all the little boys and girls, and at the White House, the administration has worked just as hard to provide economic vitality to all Americans, whether naughty or nice.
As President Trump is fond of saying, “Merry Christmas!”